I would most like to visit my fathers home country of Lebanon. Then Abidjan, Ivory Coast, followed by Germany!

"I thought I was a gummy-worm for like 20 minutes." - Hannah

What is today?

Today is the present, it’s what we are dealing with in this waking moment. You can make today whatever you wish it to be. You can make today a lazy day and not move an inch. You can make today productive and accomplish a weeks worth of work. You can make it whatever you want.

We’re constantly being told about today and how anything can happen today. But everyday somehow doesn’t seem to pan out, it’s not that exciting, you haven’t really seized the day. You’re living, but where is the significance in that. At the end of the day are you happy? Do you lie in bed each night and praise God for that day?

I thank God, nearly every night, every night that I remember. But, it seems that when I look back upon my day, and I look back upon my week, nothing of true significance adds up. I spend my days telling myself how much I need to study, but doing nothing of the sort, except waste hour after hour on social media websites. It has consumed me, making me an unproductive loaf. I put off studying until it comes to the point where I must lock myself away for hours on end just to get anything done. 

And at the end of it, I’m disgusted with myself. As I write this, I am disgusted with myself for locking myself away and accomplishing nothing which must be done. As of the late I find that a great, negative cloud hangs above my head at all times, and motive for anything is out of site. I think I’ve been battling this darkness all of my life.

I think it is true, what previous lovers, ex-boyfriends and long lost friends, and I bet you even a new acquaintance could speculate….my soul is brooding,  tortured and dark.

But how? How can a girl with a smile on her face, her hair perfectly placed and an outfit that exudes nothing of the sort, be this mad? How? How, I ask myself, can you go out into the world projecting a certain lighthearted facade, yet be so cynical behind it all?

You assure yourself, and your sister that your anything-but-ordinary childhood has nothing to do with it. But are you lying to yourself? Have you been covering up your sadness and misfortunes for so long that you’re mind has simply given up. A mind which stores so much sadness, so many painful memories and images thrown away into an abyss. My mind is an exhibit  it is an example of the strength of the human mind, the strength that if you tell yourself so, it is real. I’ve been trying to appear “normal” since as long as I can remember, I’ve just wanted to appear on the surface to be what everybody else is, only to reveal that I’m nothing like anyone else. My childhood can never be explained to anyone, and I can never fix my siblings, who didn’t play along in my fantasy. 

I’m 21 years old, and I guess by now I thought I would be happy. When I was younger my goal was to be somebody, somebody who could look after themselves, someone who would have everything they’ve ever wanted. And since I’m not there yet, actually far from it, I’m beginning to second guess everything. I’m going into a career I’m in love with, but now I”m second guessing it because it might not be as adventurous as I wanted. Furthermore, it might not really be where I want to be, yes it’s fascinating, but there’s no creativity in it. Again, it’s a lot of social interaction, and being that I’ve never been good with socializing, because one small comment could have ruined the perfect, yet falsified idea, I gave everyone, I always stayed quiet. Most people don’t understand my humor, because i use it to cover up the pain. I use humor to mask the fact that I am actually horrible at socializing. 

Well, rambling made short……

At the end of today, I asked myself “What the hell am I doing? What the hell do I want? And how do I get there?”

Marina and the Diamonds

Marina and the Diamonds



MARINA & THE DIAMONDS||Scab and Plaster

You keep telling me that I’m bad
But I keep on getting better faster

G-Eazy, Rebel


G-Eazy, Rebel

I was in a great mood, until I came home.
Saint I’m a sinner, Prize I’m a winner. Paper baby I’ll be the pen; said I am the one cause you are a ten.